


Perfect to Hold

by Quarra



Series: To Have and To Hold [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Dom/sub Undertones, Fluff and Smut, Frottage, HYDRA Trash Party, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, Kink Negotiation, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Mostly just sex negotiation in general, Past Rape/Non-con, Pinching, Rape Recovery, Recovery, Smut, Top Steve Rogers, very light
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-15 01:38:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16052771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quarra/pseuds/Quarra
Summary: It was a knife in the chest when Steve found out that Bucky had been having trauma flashbacks during sex, and even worse, that Bucky hadn't really remembered any of what caused it. But now they both know, and they're determined to find a way to be intimate together... Even if it takes a little bit of trial and error.





	Perfect to Hold

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sin_with_a_Grin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sin_with_a_Grin/gifts).



> So this took far, far longer to get finished than I expected, and I am deeply sorry for that. My brain basically went on strike for the summer. BUT! Strike is done, and now hopefully things will start to roll out again.
> 
> A massive thank you to [Sin_with_a_Grin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sin_with_a_Grin/pseuds/Sin_with_a_Grin) for supporting me on Kofi! It was unbelievably sweet of you to send me a nice treat, and I hope that this fic tickles your fancy.
> 
> This is a sequel to [ Touch As Sweet As](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14426775), and while you could probably read this as a stand alone, it might make more sense if you read the other first.

“We’re just gonna take this slow.” Steve gave Bucky a smile that he hoped didn’t look as worried as he felt. 

They sat facing each other on the bed, both nude but not touching. Yet. It was a compromise. Bucky wanted to start out like they usually do; fast to undress and quick to be all over each other. As fun as that sounded, Steve was worried. If they did end up triggering Bucky, Steve wanted to be sure exactly what it was that did it. 

It had taken an evening of arguing, but they worked out a middle ground. They could start with as many or as few clothes as Bucky wanted, because _I am a goddamn adult, Rogers, and I get to choose what happens to my clothes now._ But Steve got to set the pace, at least in the beginning. 

Because that caution? Steve needed it like he needed air. He had to be sure that what he was doing wouldn’t cause Bucky to disassociate again. That Steve wouldn’t become Pierce in Bucky’s mind. 

He couldn’t turn their lovemaking into rape. Not again.

Maybe once they’d felt their way through a few things, had a few successes, then Steve would feel better about moving a little faster. But until then, they’d both have to take a dose of patience. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Bucky said. A flicker of a smile tugged at his lips before twisting back into a nervous lip-bite. 

It was tempting to go over their check in plan again, but they’d already been over it a million times. Reiterating things would only put off starting for another minute and annoy Bucky at the same time.

“Love you, Buck,” Steve said softly. He figured that would be a safe place to start. After all, there was no chance that Pierce ever said that to him.

They stared at each other for a minute. Both were hesitant to make the first move, though probably for different reasons.

_Easy does it,_ Steve reminded himself. 

He reached out and grabbed both of Bucky’s hands, cradling them in his own. At that first touch, Bucky’s eyes fluttered and he sucked in a quick breath. His hands stayed limp in Steve’s grip, though.

“Love you, too, punk.” Bucky’s voice was harsh and low. A quick glance down showed that he was already half hard.

God, Steve loved how responsive Bucky was, even has he hated himself for loving it. Because Steve knew what horrors Bucky went through to make him that way.

He pushed that thought away, and focused on the feel of Bucky’s hands in his. Gently, he trailed the tips of his fingers all around Bucky’s fingers and palms. Even the metal of his prosthetic limb got attention. It was part of Bucky, and every part of him was beautiful. 

A heavy shiver raced through Bucky’s body and he growled, “Fucking come on, Steve.” 

That was part of their check in. Bucky would call Steve ether by his name or by ‘punk’. A reminder to them both that they were there together. If Bucky slipped in to calling Steve, ‘sir’, then Steve would know Bucky was stuck in his own head, reliving past trauma at his former handler’s hands. 

Steve suppressed a smile at Bucky’s impatience and leaned down to kiss Bucky’s fingers. Soft at first, then wetter, sucking each digit into his mouth and swirling his tongue around it. The flavor of sweat and metal was intoxicating, and the feel of Bucky trembling in his mouth even more so. Fuck, Steve wanted to lick and touch every part of him. Wanted it so bad that it burned, and not just because sex was great and Bucky was beautiful. But also because making Bucky feel good, hearing those soft sighs and making all that hard muscle turn into a relaxed puddle of blissed out super-soldier, was as good as getting off himself. 

He shifted a bit in place, spreading his legs a bit to give his stiffening cock a bit more room. At that point Steve figured he might as well give Bucky a little show. He leaned down on his elbows and shoved his ass up in the air. From the hitch in Bucky’s breathing, that was a good call. It was hard to smirk around all those fingers in his mouth, but he managed. 

Pulling back a moment, he looked up at Bucky, noting the way his eyes dilated and how shiny and wet his lips were. “Talk to me, sweetheart,” Steve said softly, and went back to sucking on fingers. 

“Fuck, Steve, you’re killing me here.” Bucky’s voice was hoarse and breathy. 

Steve had never heard anything more beautiful. He leaned forward and started to lick and kiss his way across Bucky’s chest, all while guiding Bucky’s hands to his head. 

“Push me where you want me, Bucky,” Steve said as he laved a hard nipple with his tongue. He gave that perky little bud a light bite, causing Bucky to gasp above him. It was enough that Bucky wrapped his fist in Steve’s short hair and pulled, arching Steve’s head so he was looking upward. 

“Careful, punk.” There was a light smile on Bucky’s face, so Steve knew the admonishment was said in good humor. Still, things were tenuous enough that Steve planned on paying attention to every request, even ones made in jest. 

Before Steve could think too much on it, Bucky was pushing his head down. A massive grin broke across his face. So Bucky wanted his dick sucked, huh. Steve would be more than happy to comply. Not only was it something that he liked doing in general, it also seemed pretty unlikely that Pierce had ever sucked Bucky off. Hopefully, that meant that it was less likely to give Bucky flashbacks.

_Hope springs eternal,_ Steve thought with amusement. 

He buried his face into Bucky’s hip and breathed in deep. God, it was so good. The scent and the heat of it light Steve up inside. He was so, unbelievably fucking lucky that not only was Bucky there with him, wonderful and perfect, but that he allowed Steve to touch him. After everything that happened, both while with Hydra and then all the misunderstanding afterwards. 

And, oh, how Steve loved Bucky’s cock. Thick and uncut, it was big enough that Steve always struggled getting it down his throat. Sucking Bucky off never failed to make Steve hot and needy; ready to pound that tight ass right into the mattress.

But they were taking things slow tonight, he reminded himself. So rather than just go straight to gagging on it, Steve rubbed his face up and down the full length. His eyes fluttered shut as he focused on the cock in front of him, making sure every bit of it was licked over. He sucked on the base and trailed his tongue up towards the end, licking over and tonguing into the foreskin. When a slight wetness started to leak out of the tip, Steve rubbed it across his lips and then licked.

“Oh fuck, Steve. Fuck, fuck, fuck…” 

Another burst of satisfaction filled him up. Bucky was still with him. They were still doing good. 

It was hard not to rut into the sheets, to try and get a little relief. But this was about Bucky, so Steve settled in and ignored the ache between his legs and the heat burning inside of him. 

After thoroughly slathering the crown in spit, Steve took the whole tip into his mouth and gave it a wet suck. Then he opened his mouth, just letting the tip rest on his tongue while he drooled. He looked up at Bucky from under his lashes. The fingers in his hair tightened and he was gratified to see Bucky’s mouth stretched open in a silent scream of pleasure. 

He waited for Bucky to say something, torturing them both with the tease. 

“Fuck. Fuck, Stevie, suck me off you punk!” Bucky pressed down on Steve’s head, forcing his dick back into Steve’s mouth. 

If Steve could have grinned around the cock in his mouth, he would have. Instead he worked that hard length down into his throat, one little thrust at a time until that large, perfect dick threatened to cut off his breathing. He paused for a second and sucked hard, hollowing out his cheeks. 

Before he could move, Bucky moaned like he was dying and twitched his hips forward, forcing himself in right to the hilt. Steve didn’t struggle. If anything, he pushed himself forward in an attempt to make that floaty, tight feeling in his head and throat stay. He tried to groan, but no sound came out at all. All he could do was spasm around Bucky’s cock and nudge his face in closer. His eyes burned with tears and he rolled his hips against nothing; an automatic response to worshiping his favorite dick. 

Time suspended indefinitely as he struggled to swallow. Each little movement felt massive, like the whole world had narrowed down to the length in his mouth and down his throat. Drool started to leak down out of the side of his mouth, and he could feel little spurts of precome hitting deep inside of him; so deep he couldn’t taste it at all no matter how much he wanted to. But Bucky’s hand was still on the back of his head, so he stayed put, his face getting tighter and tighter with lack of air. The room swam around him as he struggled not to move. After an eternity, Bucky pulled him off, leaving Steve gasping with thick strings of fluid trailing between them. 

“Holy shit, sweetheart.” Bucky’s voice was rough and low, as if he’d been the one deepthroating someone. Steve panted and licked his lips, chasing the flavor of pre-come. It was music to Steve’s ears.

“Yeah?” Steve croaked out. “Tell me what you like. Tell me.” Then he dove back in, suckind and bobbing for all he was worth. 

“God, Stevie, baby, fuck the hell yes. Oh, yes, yes, yes, just like that, fuck. Fuck.” Bucky’s whole body trembled and there was a soft clicking sound as his arm recalibrated up and down. 

Fucked up though it was, that sound alone was enough to make Steve squirm with need. He knew that metal arm was strong enough to crush bone, and knowing that Bucky could do that but wouldn’t was a huge rush. 

He worked Bucky’s cock first fast, with deep plunging thrusts. After only a minute or so, he switched to sucking it down, slow and deep, and then he went back to fast again. Bucky was so hot in his mouth, searing almost, and it drove Steve to excess. Having Bucky with him, touching him, loving him, was unbelievably precious to him and he wanted Bucky to feel that. Every single inch of cock was lavished with wet, slobbering kisses. Each little curse and moan that he coaxed out of Bucky was like a jolt straight to his groin. Every time he heard his name was another little victory. 

Soon, Bucky was shaking so hard that he was starting to wobble, so Steve gently pushed him backwards onto the bed. Bucky went easily. His hands fell to his sides and the sound of ripping fabric filled the air. A high pitched, needy whine escaped him, and Steve cuddled closer in response, cradling Bucky’s legs and hips. With a slurp and pop, he let Bucky’s purpling cock fall out of his mouth to slap wetly on to Bucky’s stomach.

“So good, fuck, I love how you taste, Buck.” Steve’s voice was so rough it was barely a whisper as he spoke those reverent words right into the base of Bucky’s dick. He must have spoken loud enough to Bucky to hear, though, because his cock twitched at bobbed into Steve’s face, smearing spit and precome everywhere it touched. “Yeah, that’s right. You’re good.” 

When all Steve got back in response was more moaning and whining, he tried again. “Come on, Bucky. Tell me what you’re feeling. Tell me how you want it.”

“Oh, oh, sir! Feels so good. Thank you, sir! Thank you for touching me!” Bucky practically sobbed the words out.

Steve dropped his head into Bucky’s hip and tried not to swear. All the heat that had built up in his body quickly fled. His eyes burned as he screwed them shut. Soft little tremors rippled through the warm body that Steve was still wrapped around as Bucky struggled not to move under him. 

_Get your shit together, Rogers. Now’s not the time. You knew this was probably gonna happen. Help him through it._

God, it still fucking hurt though. Like a sharp stabbing in his chest. 

They’d talked about what Bucky wanted Steve to do if this came up. They had to. As much as they both hoped that Bucky would stay present in what was going on, it was a tenuous hope at best. 

Bucky had asked him to just keep at whatever they were doing until they both finished. Steve had refused. He couldn’t imagine getting off while Bucky was picturing Pierce in his head. They’d very nearly argued about it. 

_Fuck, Steve. Either you help me fucking come and I go through the flashback thinking that I’ve done well and am being rewarded, or you don’t touch me at all and I start to think I’m being punished. I sure as hell know which memory I’d rather relive, so suck it the fuck up._

In the end, they compromised. Steve would reassure Bucky, hold him, and make him come, but he wouldn’t participate beyond that. It still left Steve feeling greasy inside and out. 

He hated it. Absolutely fucking hated it. But if that’s what Bucky needed…

Steve started to rub his nose into the cradle of Bucky’s hip again, and then stopped himself. He didn’t want Bucky thinking of Pierce doing that. He didn’t want Bucky thinking of Pierce doing anything, but how fucking often did either of them get the things they wanted? Just touching Bucky at all while this vileness flowed through his head made Steve shudder. 

It was hard, so very hard to force himself to stay put. To give Bucky the touch he’d once needed so badly that he took whatever he could get from Alexander fucking Pierce to satisfy his skin craving. 

“Bucky.” Steve swallowed heavily. He’d stick to Bucky’s name in hopes that it might bring him out of the episode sooner. Faint hope. “Buck. You’re doing good. So very good. Go ahead and touch yourself. Use your flesh hand.” 

He’d always thought before that Bucky liked the texture and temperature of his metal hand on his dick, which is why it was always the one he used to jerk off with. Turns out, though, that Pierce exclusively forced him to use that hand. Probably some kind of fucked up reminder to them both about what Bucky was. A weapon. A slave. 

“Thank you, sir.” Bucky shivered and laid his hand on his cock, but he didn’t move it. 

Steve held back a wince and realized that he hadn’t specified anything beyond just a simple touch. At this point, every drop of desire in his blood had long since faded. It was replaced with self loathing, and he clung to Bucky more out of desperation than anything else. 

“Stroke yourself, Buck. Yeah. That’s right. Come for me. You’re doing good. You deserve to feel good.” It was a struggle to put enthusiasm in his voice, but at the very least he tried for warmth. He didn’t want to watch, but he could feel the movement next to his head. The light brush of Bucky’s fingers as he jacked himself faster and faster. The shake and thrust of the muscles under him. “Come on, Bucky. Come for me.” The words tasted like bitter ash in his mouth.

Bucky arched up under him and cried out as come splattered over them both. He worked himself through it, and beyond, until Steve said to stop. Tears rolled hot and free down Steve’s face, mingling with Bucky’s release. 

“Thank you, sir. Thank you, thank you, thank you...” They were both breathing hard, but for very different reasons. 

Unsure of what to do, Steve waited to see where Bucky would go. Usually there would only be a minute or two of come down before Bucky was moving off to sit alone and shake, dragging himself out of his flashback. Steve fucking hated that this was so regular an occurrence that it had a _usual_ response. Part of him dearly hoped that Bucky would stay curled up next to him, but most of him realized that he didn’t fucking deserve it. 

It felt like he’d taken advantage of Bucky all over again. They both knew this might happen, they understood the risks, and talked about their plan of action. That didn’t stop Steve from feeling like he’d just been party to rape. How could Bucky ever want Steve to touch him again? Burning self-loathing boiled up inside of him.

A few more shuddering, silent moments passed, and then Bucky pulled Steve up and burrowed into his arms. They lay there wrapped up together, with full skin on skin contact all over them both. It was like a drug, an addiction that was as guilty as it was vital. Breath caught in Steve’s throat as a sob pushed its way out of him. It felt like a spiked ball had lodged itself down his esophagus. 

“Bucky. I’m so sorry.” He sniffed hard as they clung tightly to each other. Fingers dug into his spine and Steve was sure they would both have matching bruises in the morning. The shaking had started, and even the metal arm clacked with distress.

“N-n-not your fault,” Bucky whispered back to him. “It wasn’t you. It wasn’t fucking you.”

How long they stayed that way, Steve couldn’t have said. Eventually, though, the trembling and the tears faded away, until it was just the two of them holding each other like someone might steal them away. 

Bucky took a deep, shuddering breath. “You were right. That. Going along with it wasn’t better.”

Another deep pain lodged into Steve’s heart. In this one instance, he’d really wished that he could be wrong. That at least Bucky would get out of the whole monstrous affair relatively unscathed. 

“We’ll figure something out,” Steve said stiffly, though he was mystified as to what solution they could possibly come up with.

“Yeah.” Bucky sounded like he agreed with him, both in grim determination and in pessimistic outlook. 

They’d keep trying. They’d make it work.

Somehow. 

\--

The next time they tried was both better and worse. 

Worse, because they hadn’t really even gotten started before Bucky fell into a bad headspace. Steve had touched his face, rubbed his thumb across Bucky’s brow and cheek. That was all it took for things to take a bad turn.

Better, because at least this time Bucky didn’t have a full on flashback. He’d shuddered and lurched backwards, muttering, “Stop, stop, stop...” 

Steve sat next to him and stared helplessly for a moment. Then he gave himself a good shake. The fuck was he doing, sitting around staring? _Get your act together, Rogers._

He held up his hands, palms out like he was surrendering. “I’m stopping. I won’t touch you, not unless you want. Your name is Bucky, and I’m Steve. We’re together in our apartment. There’s no danger. No one is gonna hurt you.”

Bucky curled over into a little ball and ran his hands over his face, almost like he was trying to scrape something off. “It’s not him, not him, not him, not him. I’m not there, god, fuck, I’m not there...”

“That’s right. You’re Bucky, and I’m Steve. Everything is gonna be okay.” God, Steve hoped he wasn’t lying. 

It didn’t take long for Bucky’s low mutterings to turn into tears. His face twisted up into a grimace and he stared at his clenched hands. 

“Steve. This. This isn’t gonna work. I’m just fucking broken. A twisted awful piece of shit and nothing is ever gonna be alright about this.” 

Each word was a knife to Steve’s heart. It fucking hurt to hear Bucky say those things. Steve would have given up all the world to ease some of the bitterness in those words. 

When it looked like Bucky was just going to keep waxing eloquent about how awful he was, Steve interrupted him. “No. No, Buck, you’re not broken.” An awful snort of disbelief clawed out of Bucky’s throat, but Steve pressed on. “You’re not some _thing_ that’s been broken and needs mending. You’re a _person_ who has been hurt, and is in need of care.” 

With that, Bucky fell forward into Steve’s arms and cried. “I fucking hate this. I feel like shit. I always feel like shit. You should fucking hate me. I’m a worthless, disgusting fucking machine.”

Steve stroked his hair and did his best not to feel unworthy of the trust Bucky granted him. Not only did Bucky still want to touch him, in fact sought out comfort from him, but Bucky was actually talking about what he was thinking. The words were awful, but Bucky was still saying them. It wasn’t bottled up inside, waiting to go off like a landmine in his head. Steve sensed the delicate touch of Bucky’s therapist at work. 

He cradled Bucky like the precious person he was. “I love you, Bucky, every part of you. So damn much. You are wonderful, and every single moment I get to be with you is a treasure. I know things are bad.” A familiar lump was stuck in his throat. Steve swallowed heavily, willing himself to get this right. “Yeah, things are bad right now. But we’re gonna get better. Both of us. Together.” He rubbed his nose into Bucky’s hair and tried to imbue as much comfort as he could into every little touch and caress. “Because when we’re together, we can do anything.”

That actually netted him a little bit of a laugh. Bucky shifted around to look up at Steve through his hair. His eyes were bloodshot and his face wet with tears and snot, but there was the tiniest hint of humor lurking there amid all the pain. “World get out of our way, Cap and Bucky to the rescue?”

“That’s right,” Steve said, mustering up the best smile he could. It felt a little wobbly, and he very purposely ignored all the times the two of them had failed. But it was still a smile. “We’re gonna go punch trauma right in the face.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and buried his face back in Steve’s shoulder. The silence stretched for a minute while Bucky sniffed. 

Fuck, this was hard. Everything about this was hard. Steve _wished_ this was as simple as just punching something. 

Eventually, he said, “I mean it, Buck. Good or bad, I’m with you.”

“To the end of the line.” Bucky sounded tired. Steve felt it too. 

“Yeah. To the end of the line.”

Once again, the night slipped away as the held each other, both of them hoping for something good to look forward to, but fearing the worst. 

\--

A couple weeks later, Bucky came home from his therapy appointment determined. 

“Okay. New plan of attack, Rogers,” he said, striding into the living room. 

Steve looked up from his book and raised his eyebrows in surprise. Therapy days were always a bit stressful, and Steve never knew how Bucky was gonna feel at the end of them. Reading sometimes helped pass the time while Bucky was out. Today, after a half hour of concerted effort, he’d actually managed to get engrossed in the story. Bucky’s purposeful entrance had taken him off guard. “Good session?”

“Eh,” Bucky said, wobbling his head back and forth. “It was...not hard, precisely, but...full, I guess. Dr. Samson and I talked about some ideas. And she---” He tossed his head and ran a hand through his hair. It was a tell, one Steve had seen a million times. Whatever it was Bucky was about to say, he didn’t like. “She said that I’m worthy of consideration. That I can take charge a bit, if both of us agree and want to try.”

“She’s right, Buck.” Steve tried not to look as confused as he felt. 

“It’s just...things are always done to me.” Now Bucky was looking at him with something like pleading. “So. Maybe we could try me being the one in charge.” He grimaced. “Not, like, orders. I don’t think I could do that. Don’t know if I even want that. Just...let me kinda steer how things are going.”

Steve set his book off to the side on an end table. The idea was a good one. It was true that Steve usually took charge, but most of that was just habit at this point. He just naturally felt the need to direct the interaction, and Bucky had always seemed to enjoy that. How much of that was just what Bucky wanted, though, and how much was what Hydra trained him to do?

He ran his tongue over his teeth as he thought it through. It wasn’t that he had a problem with Bucky being in charge, it was just that Steve had a godawful time of stopping himself from taking over. _Bossy little shit,_ Bucky used to call him, and it was true. 

It would be worth it, though, if it made Bucky happy.

“Yeah. Let’s do that. Whatever you want to do, Buck. Just let me know.”

The fierce grin he got in return was worth it. “Sit right there, Rogers, and…” Bucky swallowed, suddenly looking nervous. Steve waited him out. “And don’t move.”

He almost snapped out a cheerful, _Yes, sir!_ but stopped himself just in time. No one needed a reminder of that honorific. Instead he smiled, arms held still at his sides, and said, “Whatever you want, Bucky.”

That must have done the trick, because some of the wide eyed fear flowed out of Bucky. His shoulders relaxed minutely and a tentative grin was back on his face. He walked up to stand right in front of Steve, and then paused. 

“Keep talking to me, Buck,” Steve said quietly. He needed their touchstone, their verbal check in. They both did. Bucky hesitated for another minute. “How about you tell me what your gonna do, as you’re doing it. I can always say no, just like you can always say no. Okay?”

“Yeah.” Bucky breathed a sigh of relief. “Yeah, good idea. Okay. I’m. I’m gonna, uh.” He blushed and rubbed a hand over his face. “God, this is harder than I thought it would be.”

“We got all the time in the world, Buck. Take your time. You got this.” Steve kept as still as he could, and hope curled in his chest.

Bucky visibly screwed up his courage, and then nudged Steve’s legs in between his own, sandwiching their feet together. “I’m gonna sit on your lap, Stevie. You’re gonna keep your hands down, and keep still, and I’m gonna rub off against you.” The words came out nervous and Bucky’s face was beet red, but Steve still groaned in anticipation.

“Oh fuck, that’s. That’s good. Do that.” Now Steve was the one having a hard time speaking.

Gingerly, Bucky sat down on Steve’s lap, straddling him. After a little adjustment, moved so his knees held Steve’s hands tight, captured against his own legs. “Gonna hold you here. That okay, Stevie?” 

Steve nodded quickly. It was more than okay. It was extremely okay. Fantastically okay. It was shocking how much the feeling of Bucky holding down his hands sent heat right to his groin.

He squirmed a little as his cock started to stiffen in his pants. Fuck, Bucky was right there, hovering over him, a wall of muscle between him and the world.

Hands dug into his shoulders, not hard enough to hurt, but firm enough to drag his attention away from his dick. “Hold still, Stevie. Just let me… just let me.” 

Bucky’s eyes were so blue and perfect, and his lips so wet and open. Steve did not surge forward to lick into them, but he wanted to. 

This was Bucky’s show. He could be good. 

“I’m all yours, Bucky,” he said, his voice already gone a little rough. 

“Yeah. You are, aren’t you?” For the life of him, Bucky actually sounded surprised by this.  
He kneaded his hands into Steve’s shoulders and neck, taking time out massage down his arms and carefully up to the hinge of his jaw. Slowly but surely, Steve turned boneless, melty under the delightful onslaught. 

Every minute or so, Bucky would whisper to him, checking in and soothing them both. At some point, Steve’s eyes drifted closed and his head lolled back, loose and relaxed. 

“I’m so fucking lucky to touch you, Steve. My Steve.” The words were right in his ear, and Steve moaned quietly in agreement.

Hands moved to the base of his skull, pressing into the tight knots there. Steve relaxed further, trying to make everything as easy as possible for Bucky. 

When Bucky started slowly grinding their hips together, Steve shivered hard. Fuck, that felt so good. His cock was aching, painfully hard and trapped inside his pants. The slow drag of cloth over his hot length wasn’t nearly enough to get off on, he was sure. It was only just enough to drive him crazy. 

“Fuuuuck, Steve. God, your dick is so fucking huge. How’d I ever get that monster inside of me, baby?” 

The grinding picked up, and it took everything Steve had to not flip Bucky over on the spot and fuck him senseless. He struggled to stay still. The hands running through his hair and down his neck and shoulders helped, steadying him as he shivered and groaned. 

He could do this. They both could.

“I’m gonna pull up your shirt now,” Bucky said, but he didn’t let up the pressure on Steve’s hands. “You keep still. I’m just gonna lift up the front. I wanna…” His voice broke for a second and he swallowed hard. “I wanna play with your chest. Pinch you and, and squeeze you. Is that okay, Stevie? Can I rub your pretty chest?”

All that came out of Steve’s mouth was a garble of sounds. When after a minute, Bucky still hadn’t done anything new, Steve scrambled enough brain cells together to say, “Yes. Holy fuck, yes. I love it when you touch me, Bucky, any way you wanna touch me.”

He cracked open his eyes and saw Bucky smiling at him, all hot and sweet and hungry. That look alone was enough to make Steve want to come in his pants. 

Bucky grabbed the front hem of Steve’s shirt and dragged it up to Steve’s mouth. “Bite.”

Steve bite down on the bunched up ends, effectively gagging himself as well as keeping the shirt lifted. Arousal pooled in his gut, and his eyes rolled back a little. Bucky had every part of him held down and under control, and Steve had no idea that would be as fucking sexy as it was.

“You need to stop, and you spit it out and say something. Okay, Stevie?” Bucky looked him deep in the eyes and trailed a metal finger down his jaw. 

Steve nodded, and resisted twitching his hips up again. 

Then Bucky started to rut up against him in earnest, rough and filthy. Steve could feel Bucky’s hard cock right through both their pants. They rubbed up against each other in just the right way, driving Steve to distraction. 

Right when he thought he might be getting used to Bucky writhing on his lap, Bucky reached down and slowly pinched at his nipples. Gentle at first, then harder and harder, pulling back on Steve’s chest and making him cry out and arch into the pull. Then, right as they were all stretched out, Bucky rolled those sensitive little nubs between his fingers. He teased and stretched and pulled, until Steve had tossed his head back and was nearly crying with it. His cock throbbed, sore and leaking from all the harsh friction. Everything else had fallen away, until there was only Bucky all around him, pulling and rubbing the sanity right out of him. 

“So pretty, Stevie. One day I wanna fuck these pretty tits. Come all over them. Fuck! Fuck!” Bucky’s hips stuttered for a moment, then he renewed his efforts, franticly working them both over as fast as he could. “Gonna come, sweetheart, oh fuck, Stevie, I want it, I want it! Please, Steve, wanna come, want you to come.” 

Steve was nodding his head over and over. He needed it, they both needed it. They fucking _deserved_ it. He was so close, he just needed...

Then Bucky gave one last, hard pinch to his nipples and rubbed down hard with his hips. A small scream tore its way out of Steve’s throat and Bucky was coming on top of him, groaning and crying as he shuddered and spilled into his own pants. Steve could feel the wetness leak through his own jeans, bathing his pulsing hard cock in spunk. He writhed and twisted up into Bucky’s hold, finally unable to stop himself.

“Ugghh, fuck, I got you, Steve,” Bucky said with a groan, and shoved his flesh hand down Steve’s pants. One quick stroke was all it took for Steve to come, but Bucky kept working him through it, milking every last drop of pleasure out of him. 

After what seemed like the longest orgasm Steve had ever had, he finally slumped down, absolutely exhausted from holding himself so tightly for so long. Bucky lay draped over him, one hand still shoved down Steve’s pants and his head butted up against his chest, carefully licking one swollen nipple. 

A long few minutes pasted as they both lay there panting. Bucky came out of it faster than Steve did, clearing his throat and whispering, “Holy shit, Steve. Fuck you were so good.” He moved to the other side of Steve’s chest and laved that sore, pointed nipple with his tongue, too. With his metal hand he rubbed along the nipple he’d just finished licking. 

His chest was so sensitive after all that painful pinching, the skin hot and tender. The soft attention Bucky was paying to him was starting to rile him up something fierce, and his cock twitched and started to fill in Bucky’s hand. 

This time, Bucky just stroked him slowly, careful of the over sensitive head. 

“Yeah. Gimme one more. You deserve it, Stevie. Being so good to me. Letting me touch you. Letting me even fucking be here. Now let go for me and let me treat you right.”

Steve wasn’t sure how long it took, but Bucky was persistent. He stroked and rubbed Steve back up to full hardness, sweet talking him into being a boneless shivering mess. 

Everything was too much. His skin felt raw and too small on him, but still Bucky worked him over. They stank of sweat and sex, and all Steve could hear was Bucky’s voice soft in his ear and the wet slide of Bucky’s hand on his dick.

He tried to breathe through the fabric in his mouth, now completely soaked through with spit. Even that effort seemed like a monumental feat.

Bucky kept talking, more and more, like their first orgasm had broken through some barrier and now there was a well spring of filthy, lovely, molten hot dirty talk. Every single time Bucky said his name sent another little jolt of pleasure through him. Jesus, Steve thought he might be able to get off on Bucky voice alone. 

Eventually, the pressure inside of him built and built, until he was crying with the need to get off. Somewhere along the way, Bucky had popped the fly on his jeans, and had begun jerking him off fully; long, fast strokes that twisted around his shaft, driving Steve out of his mind.

“Come on, Stevie. Come for me. My Steve. Come. Come now…” Bucky’s voice was nearly inside his skull, urging him on.

When he finally orgasmed, it was with a long cry and a deep, full body shudder. Pleasure filled every part of him, rolling over his body in waves. His muscles spasmed as Bucky worked him through it.

“There you go. There you go, Stevie. Fuck, you’re so damn pretty. Let go. Let me have it all,” he murmured.

Everything felt so good, and the world felt so huge around them. Like all that was holding him together was Bucky’s arms and legs, keeping him safe. He felt so good and safe and finally fucking whole. 

After the last little spurt of come had been wrung out of his aching cock, Bucky finally stilled himself, again just cradling him. It took several more minutes after that for Steve’s brain to start to come back on line. He spat out the soden fabric from his mouth and worked his jaw open and closed, trying to ease the soreness out of it. 

“Holy fuck, Bucky,” Steve rasped out. His voice was sore. Everything was sore, actually, but in a pleasant kind of way that buzzed under his skin and made him want to just curl up with Bucky and sleep for a day.

Bucky huffed out a little chuckled. That turned into a laugh, which in turn morphed into a full on cackle. 

“Steve. Holy shit, Steve, that worked. _That worked!_ ” Bucky was hugging him close now, laughing and crying into Steve’s shoulder at the same time. “I’m not broken. I’m not broken.”

“No, you’re not.” Steve was crying, too, and the grin that stretched across his face was so wide it was nearly painful. “Can I hug you?” His hands were still tight to his thighs, and the last thing he wanted to do was ruin their moment of victory. Bucky’s moment of victory.

“Yes, you fucking punk. Please.” Then Bucky slammed their faces together in a rough kiss. 

It was rough and awkward and their teeth got caught up in the mix somehow, but it was also fucking perfect. 

\--

They spent the rest of the night lounging around in bed, basking in the afterglow. So when they finally got around to talking through what had happened, it was the next morning. 

It was actually Bucky who brought it up.

“Dr. Samson said that it was important that we touch base afterwards,” he said, nervously pushing his eggs around on his plate. “I mean, she said a lot of stuff. How it might be really intense, especially for you, and to make sure that I take care of you. And how we should really talk about what worked and what didn’t.”

“Intense is right.” Steve shook his head. That was a massive understatement. “Seemed to work alright, though.” He smiled as he said it, but there was a little bit of a hesitation. Bucky must have noticed because he looked sharply up at him. Heat bloomed across Steve’s face, and then it was his turn to push his eggs around his plate. “It was good. I mean, mostly good. For me. I hope for you, too.”

“But?”

“...The pain was a little much,” he finally admitted. “A little would be alright, I think. I mean, I still got off, it was still good. But that last, uh, pinch…” God, Steve felt like his face was going to melt off he was blushing so hard. “That was a lot. I like the sweet stuff a little better, I think.”

“I’m sorry, Steve. I fucked it up and I’m so sorry.” 

Steve whipped his head up just in time to see Bucky’s eyes start to tear up. Before he could run away, Steve grabbed ahold of his hands on the table and held on. 

“Nothing to be sorry about, sweetheart. I wasn’t hurt. We both still had fun. We were just trying out new stuff, and not every new thing you try is gonna be perfect, right?” He scrambled to find the right words, to let Bucky know how really okay it all was. “It’s like going out to dinner. You try a new dish, and maybe it’s alright, but you wouldn’t eat it every day, and you know you really like something else on the menu better.” Steve smiled at him all while rubbing a careful thumb over Bucky’s knuckles. 

Eventually, Bucky sniffed and nodded. He still looked a little unhappy, but Steve was willing to count this as progress. 

“Did you like the, uh,” Steve almost said, _hurting me_ , but then stopped right before he could walk them both into that landmine. It wasn’t really hurting him, not really. It was painful, sure, but it didn’t _hurt_ him. He quickly rephrased. “The pinching? Is that, um, something you need?”

“I liked...I guess I liked seeing you squirm. And I liked,” he grimaced, “playing with you. God, it’s fucked up when I say it like that, isn’t it?”

“No. No it’s not.” Steve shook his head.

“How the fuck do you figure?” Bucky said harshly. His arm recalibrated up and down and Steve just knew he was comparing himself to Pierce in his head. Which was utter bullshit. 

“Because you’re not doing something _to_ me, we’re doing something _together_. If I had said stop, would you have?”

“Yeah. I would have.” Bucky looked at him earnestly. “You know I would. I don’t ever want to do something you don’t want.”

Steve smiled at him, easy and happy, and gave his hands a squeeze. “See? This is something we’re doing together, because we both get a say in what happens. Next time maybe we’ll just talk it out a bit first. Walk us both through it, especially if there’s anything new we want to try.”

That seemed to calm Bucky down. He nodded and dropped his gaze to their joined hands. “Yeah.” He took a deep breath. “Yeah. That’s a good idea. And we can stop if something isn’t working.”

“Exactly.” Steve beamed at him. That smile slid into a smirk and he wiggled his eyebrows. “All in all, it was pretty fucking hot, though.”

A slow, answering smile spread across Bucky’s face. “Yeah?”

“Oh my god, I don’t think I’ve ever come so hard as I did that second time. Holy shit.” Just the memory of it was enough to make Steve shiver. Fuck. 

Bucky preened a bit, and his cheeks dusted pink.

“So. Maybe again tonight?”

Another shiver rolled up Steve’s spine, and he closed his eyes for a second. Fuck, Bucky was gonna kill him. He found himself trying to swallow around his suddenly bone dry mouth. “Yeah. Tonight is good.”

\--

That went on fairly successfully for several weeks. The two of them found a good rhythm, and slowly collected a small set of activities that really got them both off. 

But after two months, they still hadn’t tried anything outside of grinding and handjobs, and Bucky started to get impatient. So they started trying again, adding in more intimate types of touching. More often than not, with mixed results.

Oral sex only seemed to work if Steve was under or below Bucky. Something about being loomed over set off the landmines in Bucky’s head something fierce. Bucky was definitely better at receiving than he was giving, too. Not that Steve minded at all, but it frustrated Bucky to no end. 

Fingering was very hit or miss, and it didn’t seem to matter who was doing it, or to whom. This spurred another small break down.

“I just want you to fucking _fuck me_ ,” Bucky said, nearly yelling into a pillow. They’d just finished up with the shaking and holding part of a flashback after yet another failed attempt to work Bucky open. This time, they’d tried a small plug, and that had failed as miserably as when Steve used his fingers. 

Steve hummed in thought for a minute, and ran an easy hand down Bucky’s back. “Maybe you should try fucking me.”

That made Bucky pause and look over at him. There was a little bit of a frown on his face, and an expression that Steve had come to associate with Bucky trying to remember something. 

“Would you enjoy that?” Bucky asked.

“I’d enjoy you getting off without any issues,” Steve responded simply. He kept up the soft petting down Bucky’s back; it was as much a touchstone for him as it was for Bucky. A sign that they both were still there, still with each other and safe. 

But that only made Bucky frown more. “This isn’t a one way street, Rogers. It’s not either-or. If you’re not having fun, I’m not having fun.”

There was a short pause as Steve picked his words carefully. It wouldn’t really matter to him if he got off at all, if only it would help Bucky recover. Feel better about himself and his body. But Steve had to admit that he _wanted_ to get off. Sex would get pretty onerous fairly damn quickly if he wasn’t really getting any pleasure from it. Not only that, but he knew that Bucky would pick up on that, too. There was no telling how he’d end up internalizing it either. 

“Yeah. You’re right,” Steve said finally. “But bottoming isn’t something I’ve tried in a long time. We could give it a shot?” When Bucky still looked a bit reluctant, he added, “The worst that can happen is it doesn’t work out for us, and we stop. No big deal.”

That actually seemed to help, because Bucky’s expression smoothed and he nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. We can always stop.”

“Do you want to fuck me?” Steve asked, curious.

“I don’t know. I’m not sure it appeals. I like...Ha.” There was a wet, unhappy sound as Bucky buried his face in the pillow once more. “I love being fucked, but I can’t tell if that’s because of Pierce or if I just like it because of me.”

Pain lanced up Steve’s chest and he swallowed hard. If he could go back in time and kill Pierce again, he would. Over and over. 

“We can start slow. And you can stop any time you want to, too.”

Bucky nodded into the pillow, and Steve curled around him. They cuddled together for a long time, taking comfort in the simple act of sharing the same space. 

\--

When they finally did get around to giving their new plan a try, it was almost anticlimactic. 

They started out sweet and slow, which was their norm when trying out something new. Bucky had used those talented hands of his to get Steve aching and hard. Once they were both steaming hot and ready for more, he slipped a finger into Steve’s ass, gently circling around the rim there and stretching him out. 

To be honest, it felt… odd, mostly. Steve couldn’t really say that it was completely pleasant or unpleasant. But it was definitely strange. 

By the time Bucky had worked up to a second finger, Steve’s hardon had started to flag. Not even Bucky’s wonderfully filthy dirty talk managed to keep his body interested. 

Several more minutes went by and Bucky finally slowed to a stop. He pursed his lips and looked up at Steve, his expression a mix of worry and resignation. 

“This isn’t working, is it.” It was a statement, not a question. 

A hot blush raced down Steve’s chest and he glanced off to the side, sort of embarrassed. It seemed like a complete waste not to see this through, even if Steve wasn’t really feeling it. He couldn’t help but think that maybe it would get better with practice. “It’s not bad. You could keep going.”

“Steve, you fucking hypocrite.” Bucky groaned and pulled his fingers out of Steve’s ass. He grabbed a towel that they’d laid out before they started, and began to wipe down his fingers. “You’d never let me get away with that shit, so why the fuck do you think I’m gonna be okay with you doing it?”

Which was a solid point. Steve groaned and let his head flop back onto the pillow. 

“I just…” He sighed. “I just want to make this good for you.”

Then Bucky was curling up next to him, head on his shoulder and one arm trailing down his chest. “I know, punk. But like you said, this is something we’re doing together. You don’t get to do anything _to_ me. You do things _with_ me. Same goes for you.”

He knew that Bucky was right. It was just so damn hard to not try to do the easy thing. To just grit his teeth and go with it, especially if it made Bucky happy in the end. But that was exactly what Bucky had done for him, and look where it had gotten them. 

“Yeah. You’re right.” Steve laid a gentle kiss onto Bucky’s head. “We’ll figure things out.”

“Yeah.” 

This time, Bucky’s answer didn’t sound quite so hopeless. 

\--

For several weeks after that, they ended up just sticking to what worked. After so many tries with no progress, Steve thought that they both felt a little disillusioned about the process. 

On the very bright side, the things that they figured out that worked kept working. Every other night, Bucky would install Steve on the couch or the bed, and then they’d spend the next couple of hours in a slow, filthy hot grind that left them both crosseyed and moaning with satisfaction. Sometimes they’d mix in handjobs, too, and there was always plenty of kissing. 

It wasn’t perfect, but it was good, and Steve was grateful that they’d managed that much at least. 

About three months into this, Bucky came up with another plan of attack.

He’d dragged Steve on to the bed as they normally did. Both of them were still dressed, and Steve was looking forward to a happy, writhing Bucky on his lap for the next few hours. But when Bucky straddled him, he paused before doing anything. 

“So I think there’s something I want to try,” Bucky said nervously. He wouldn’t look Steve in the eye, instead focusing on where his hands fiddled with the hem of Steve’s shirt.

Those words brought Steve up to attention right away. Worry and excitement chased through him, and he had to swallow down his initial reaction. Bucky looked nervous enough. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. I’ve been talking with Dr. Samson. And, well. We’d kind of talked about maybe me trying out stuff on my own.”

The way Bucky said the word ‘stuff’ and in the context of the conversation, Steve had to infer that it was something sexual in nature. Having Bucky do _anything_ on his own was a massive point of effort throughout his therapy. Reclaiming his autonomy had been a big thing. 

But just thinking about Bucky pleasuring himself made Steve’s heart stutter and pound for a moment. Images of him holding his thick, wet cock in his hand, his face pinched with pleasure, and his muscles straining for release flashed through Steve’s mind. 

He licked his lips and tried not to gulp. 

“That’s a really good idea. I think you should.” Not just because of Steve’s filthy mind, either. But also because it meant that Bucky felt okay enough to seek out pleasure for himself. Steve would happily go on a sex toy shopping spree, even if he had to go to a storefront and pick out the damn things himself, if only Bucky would spend some time treating himself kindly. 

“Ha. Well.” The blush on Bucky’s face deepened. “The thing is, I, uh, already started trying it.”

Steve waited a moment, but Bucky seemed stuck. Maybe too embarrassed to go on unprompted. “How’s it going?”

“Better than I expected, actually.” Bucky shook his head, eyebrows a little raised. “I donno. I guess I keep thinking everything is gonna be just awful and impossible. But it wasn’t so bad, just by myself. I could stop whenever I wanted.” He tossed a mildly panicked glance towards Steve. “Not that I can’t stop with you! It's just, it’s easier.”

“No expectations.” Steve could get that. 

“Right,” Bucky said in relief. “There were a lot of false starts. But. Uh. I’ve been fingering myself open.”

Holy fuck, Steve wished he could have seen that. His cock twitched hard in his jeans and he closed his eyes for a moment, picturing it. Would Bucky have sat on his knees, spreading his legs and arching back, one hand shoved under him? Or would he have knelt face down on the bed, ass temptingly in the air? How many fingers had he gotten in there? Had he come like that, his fingers buried up in that hot, tight hole?

Steve licked his lips and tried to get his brain back on fucking track. Bucky wasn’t trying to dirty talk him now, he was just giving information.

When Steve finally looked back up to Bucky, there was a familiar smug smirk spread across his handsome face. “You liked that, huh.” Amusement laced Bucky’s voice. 

“Bucky.” The word came out rough and low. “I love everything about you. And I’m happy to hear that you’re reclaiming your body.”

That made the smile on Bucky’s face spread a little wider and turn a little sweeter. “Nice way to put it. But, yeah. I’m working on it. I think part of what was tripping me up was how often Pierce used to just...shove his fingers in me. Just because he could. Or he made me do it when he was busy looking at something else. I donno. It was easier to work through it on my own, first.”

As horrifying as that was, Steve found himself nodding along. Half of the work that they’d done with being intimate was just learning what to avoid and what didn’t matter. 

“But it’s been good for you?” That was the important part, the thing that Steve was really anxious to know.

“Yeah. It’s been good.” The smiled on Bucky’s face was beatific. Then it turned wicked. “So well, in fact, that I’d like to try something new with us. If you’re up for it.”

He must have seen how Steve’s cock twitched in his pants, because Bucky just laughed. 

“Yeah,” Steve said a little dryly. “I’m game. What are we doing?”

“Well. I want to try and ride you. I, uh, already prepped myself. So all we really need to do is get you lubed up.” And holy shit that was a fucking beautiful idea, and Steve couldn’t hold back a tiny groan of approval. “I just need to you lay down. I’ll put my knees on your hands, like I did that first time on the couch. I think I want you to stay quiet, too. Pierce talked an awful fucking lot. So maybe let me do the talking? If I go quiet for too long, you can prompt me. Call me Bucky, or Buck. Make sure I’m not falling into my own head.”

_Holy shit_.

“Yes. Yes to all of that.” Steve barely got the damn words out, he was so tongue tied just thinking about it. “Just tell me how you want me.”

The smile he got back was an absolute stunner. 

It took them a few minutes, but soon enough Bucky had Steve situated how he wanted. Both of them had stripped off their clothes, and Steve lay supine on their bed. By this time, handjobs were old hat for them, so Bucky had no hesitation in spreading some lube onto his hand and grabbing hold of Steve’s cock. 

“Fuck, look at that,” Bucky said quietly, reverently almost. His tone made Steve burn with embarrassment and pleasure. 

Despite the fact that everything inside of Steve cried out to touch Bucky, to reach out, hold, and touch, he knew he couldn’t. That was one of the main things that stuck through most of their sexual encounters. Bucky had a much harder time staying in the moment if Steve had his hands on him. They’d started to add it in a little bit, when they were just making out or grinding together, but they saved it for days where Bucky was feeling really comfortable. 

So Steve kept his hands at his side, fingers curled into the bedspread. All the while, Bucky’s hand worked up and down his cock, torturously slow. Fuck, Steve was so hard already, and the wet glide of Bucky’s hand was pure heaven. It took a whole lot not to say something, but he couldn’t help but moan a little at the sensation. Bucky’s hands were rough and calloused from years of gun and knife work, but the lube helped soften that hold a bit, turning what could have been a very course stroke into something softer. Textured, but pleasurable. 

“Fuck, Stevie, you have no idea how much I wanna put my mouth on that slick head. Lick and suck away. Maybe I should give it a little try, huh? Just a lick.” And then Bucky’s hot, pink tongue was right over Steve’s slit, licking ever so slowly. He licked so daintily, like he was tasting a new flavor of lollipop. Carefully, he coated the head with saliva, tonguing around the foreskin and pausing to wetly suck right at the tip.

“Bucky,” Steve groaned out. He wanted to keep quiet, he did, but he had to say something, and it had been too long since Bucky had given his verbal check in.

It was a sweet relief when Bucky answered back, “You doing okay there, Stevie?” He blowed lightly over the wet cockhead, making Steve nearly jackknife up off the bed. Only the hand on his hip kept him down. Everything was cool and hot and too fucking much to deal with. 

Steve risked a look down, and then had to close his eyes again. Just seeing Bucky there with one hand holding Steve’s cock still, while those red, plush lips were just millimeters away made Steve groan. Fluid started to drip out of him, and his cock twitched hard, pulsing in Bucky’s firm grip. Again, he struggled to not reach out. To not just roll Bucky over and fuck him into oblivion. Just to make sure he stayed put, Steve grabbed onto the blanket even harder, gripping the fabric so tightly in his hands that it stung. 

“Oh yeah, I think you’re doing okay,” Bucky breathed onto him. “Time for the next part.” 

Then he swung his legs over Steve’s hips and positioned himself right above Steve’s cock. He paused for a moment, clearly steeling himself. 

Some of the worry that swirled around in Steve’s head must have come through, because Bucky gave him a soft smile and a quick stroke on his dick. Suddenly, the worry seemed of secondary importance. 

“Don’t worry, Stevie. I’ll all prepped up. Shoved so many fingers up inside of myself earlier. I didn’t want to disturb you, didn’t want to give up the game before I was ready, so I just bent over the bathtub and fingered myself until I nearly cried.” There was another heavenly stroke up Steve’s cock, so hot and tight that tears prickled at Steve’s eyes. “I kept thinking about how good you would feel inside of me. How much I want your cock. Fuck, do I want it, Stevie. I want it so fucking bad I can’t even think straight.” 

By now, Steve was openly panting. Fuck, they hadn’t even started with the fucking and he was already wrecked. He held himself still, though, his muscles straining to keep himself in order. All he had to do was let Bucky take his pleasure, however he wanted. That thought alone made a little additional surge of heat coil up in his groin.

Then Bucky nudged his knees up, sandwiching Steve’s hands against his legs. This, too, was familiar now. They’d done it more often at first, with Bucky holding Steve’s hands down. Lately they’d tried Steve just grabbing something, or holding himself back, but Bucky seemed most at ease when he could personally make sure that Steve wouldn’t be moving anywhere. 

The moment Steve’s cock came in contact with Bucky’s tight little hole, Steve almost fucking cried. Already it was so wonderfully good. That firm ring of muscle pressed against his cockhead as Bucky slowly eased down. Steve almost worried that it wouldn’t fit, but soon the head popped in, breaching that wet, crushingly tight space.

Both of them groaned at the sensation. Steve could feel Bucky’s muscles try to force him out, squeezing so tight around him that he knew he had to be leaking. His balls were hot and heavy and he ached to twitch up into that powerful heat. The heavy scent of sweat and sex filled up the room, and a quick glance showed that Bucky was in just as dire straits as Steve was. His head was thrown back and his mouth was open in a happy little ‘o’. That beautiful, thick cock was firmly at attention and so hard that it had already turned a lovely, dark red-purple. He’d just started to drip a little precome as well, and the clear liquid trailed down his flush cockhead. Any more and it would drip right onto Steve’s stomach. 

“Fuck, Stevie.” Bucky’s voice was a high, little cry, so needy that it made Steve’s cock pulse with heat. “Fuck, fuck, you’re so big. Oh god.”

Slowly, Bucky eased himself down a little more. Tiny bit, by tiny bit, he sank onto Steve’s hard cock. It was a lot, Steve knew. He wasn’t comically large, but he was larger than average. Enough that Bucky would probably really need to take his time, especially after so long without anything but fingers inside of him.

About halfway down, Bucky paused to pant. He’d long since let go of Steve’s cock, and both hands were pressed into Steve’s chest. His head hung down low and his thighs had started to tremble a little with the effort of keeping that punishingly slow descent. 

“Steve, honey,” Bucky groaned, and sank down another inch. “Oh god. God. Steve, you feel so fucking good. I’m not gonna last, sweetheart. I just, _fuck_ , just need to fucking feel you in me. Steve, you’re so fucking deep already.”

All Steve could do was whine in response; coherent thought had all but fled from him. Bucky’s ass was so unbelievably tight and molten hot. Those hands on his chest had started to roll his nipples, lightly pinching and pulling at the little buds. Each pull was timed to when Bucky sank down a little farther, and Steve found himself clenching his muscles, tightening and loosening, all in a desperate attempt to not fuck up into that perfect hole. 

“Almost there, Stevie. Almost…” 

In one final movement, Bucky was fully seated onto Steve’s cock. They both groaned, ragged and harsh. Steve could finally feel Bucky’s cock nestled up against his stomach, and a little pool of precome gathered there, collecting on Steve’s abs from Bucky’s drooling dick. 

“Yes. Yes, fuck _yes_.” It wasn’t just pleasure that Bucky was crying out in, it was triumph. “Steve, you fucking beast, I am gonna fuck you into the ground.” 

Bucky was looking up through the tangle of his long hair, staring right into Steve’s eyes and grinning viciously. Almost ferally. Steve grinned right back and nodded at him. 

Yes. They were doing it. They were having sex and everyone was okay and happy. Tears welled up in Steve’s eyes a little bit and he nodded again.

Then Bucky started to lift up, slightly faster than his first descent, but still far, far too slow. That sweet drag along Steve’s cock made him go nearly cross eyed, but Bucky’s hands on his chest kept him still. He could do this. The scent of sex only grew stronger, sweat dripped down Steve’s forehead. He was burning up with need, a lust so powerful that it was nearly a scent in and of itself. 

But this was Bucky’s show. So Steve locked up his body, dug down into the soft blanket under him, and stayed still.

Up and down Bucky moved, riding him, working Steve’s thick cock inside of him like it was the last thing he wanted to do. Faster and faster he moved, and pretty soon his cock was slapping down on Steve’s stomach at every downward thrust. 

“Steve, Steve, oh god, Steve, yes, please. I want it, Stevie. Give it to me. Fuck me, give it to me, Stevie, please, oh fucking god,” Bucky moaned over and over. He started to angle himself back a bit, shifting the thrust to hit that magic place inside of him. His eyes were screwed shut and his hair flung out around him. Every goddamn part of him was beautiful. So strong and flushed in the low light, his chest held forward like he needed his nipples sucked on. If he’d held his chest lower, Steve would have tried. As it was, all he could do was watch as Bucky reamed himself down onto Steve, fast and hard.

Steve tried to hold off, he really did, but it had been so damn long since they’d done anything like this. So long since he’d felt that tight clutch around his cock, warm and wet and perfect. Bucky was all but screaming his name above him, and that drove Steve to absolute distraction. 

Almost against his will, Steve found himself coming. His whole body pulsed with pleasure as he released inside of Bucky’s hot ass, over and over again. It felt like he was coming forever. He couldn’t see, couldn’t even breathe around that all encompassing pleasure. His heart pounded in his ears, drowning out their moans. There was only Bucky, hot and perfect above him and around him. 

A few thrusts into that release, he felt Bucky’s ass clamp down on him _hard_ , bringing stars to Steve’s eyes. With it came the feeling of Bucky scraping into Steve’s chest with his nails as he painted Steve up with rope after rope of hot come. It reached up to Steve’s neck and spread down all across his chest and abs, wet and wonderful smelling. Steve wished he could lick it up, wanted it on his hands and in his mouth. That was the last straw, the final little strain on Steve’s self control. He couldn’t hold back, couldn’t stop himself from moving. He thrust up inside of Bucky, and they rocked into each other, both trying to milk out the last of their orgasm. 

Finally, Bucky collapsed on top of Steve, both of them breathing like they’d been running all day. The hot, sweaty press of Bucky’s body on top of him was bliss, and he nosed into that wonderful, soft brown hair. 

“Buck?” he asked hoarsely. 

As far as Steve could tell, everything had gone right for Bucky. He’d been practically chanting Steve’s name at the end. But now that they had actually finished up, Bucky was worryingly silent. As soon as he’d slumped over, the pressure on Steve’s hands had gone away. Steve was still cautious about reaching out, though, afraid to touch more than he should, just incase Bucky had slipped into a bad headspace right at the end.

Three more panted breaths later, Bucky said, “Yeah, Stevie. Yeah.” It was both an answer and an acknowledgement, and each word was bright with happiness. Bucky looked up at him and smiled. It was painfully happy, a joy that only came when something wonderful had happened that was once thought lost forever. “We did it. That was good.”

“Yeah?” Joy bubbled up in Steve’s chest, and his heart pounded painfully.

“Yeah.” Bucky pulled himself up and locked Steve into a passionate kiss. He pulled one of Steve’s arms up and pressed it up against his side. Without further urging, Steve held him close, relishing everything about that moment, imprinting it into his mind forever. The way Bucky’s body was warm and slick above him, the way fluid trailed down around where they were still joined, the pleasant full body ache that came from a really good fucking. The scent of sex and sweat, and the heavy drum of his heart.

Most importantly, the feel of Bucky’s lips on his, and the way they both smiled as they kissed. 

\--

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so Steve's comment about being broken (You're not broken and in need of fixing, you've been hurt and are in need of care), that's something I read when researching PTSD support. It was such a powerful idea. I've heard people say that phrase, I'm broken! And this line always stuck with me as a wonderful response to that. It's been years since I first saw it, so I couldn't tell you where I found it, but! Now you know what to say if someone near you is hurting in this way.


End file.
